Passing gas is a totally normal human activity, but for some reason people sure are squeamish about it. Since society has deemed flatulence to be inappropriate and offensive for most social situations, you may occasionally find yourself in need of a good excuse to get out of taking responsibility for your bodily functions. The following nine excuses, or some variant of them, can be used in a variety of situations to cover up your crime against humanity.
- Blame an old person. Obviously, this only works when there is actually an old person present. It’s really good for large gatherings like family reunions or birthday parties. It goes like this: (whispering) “So sorry…. Great Aunt Ida doesn’t want everyone to know about her colostomy surgery. But I’ll suggest she might need to change her bag”. And then go whisper something to Ida like “Come to the bathroom with me. I have a half-pint of moonshine hidden in the toilet tank”. Of course, if you don’t actually have booze stashed in the bathroom, Ida will sense something is amiss when you get in there and fail to provide her with the appropriate, expected refreshment item. This is why you should always stash booze in the bathroom. Well, one of the reasons.
- Blame the dog. All you have to say is, “Oh, my goodness. I’m so sorry…. We’ve just switched Fido’s food and the vet said it will take a few weeks for his tummy to adjust. Poor thing”. This also works with cats and assorted livestock. It may be tricky to pull this off with ferrets, gerbils, or birds, and blaming it on the fish should only be attempted by a true master. “So that’s why the tank is so bubbly” is probably not going to work.
- Blame the neighbors. “Whew! I apologize for that smell. The people next door neglected to pump their septic tank until it was too late, and now the whole neighborhood has to suffer. It will go away in a minute when the wind direction shifts”. This works great if the fart is very smelly, but won’t explain the loud ones. Use accordingly.
- Blame civilization. “Oh, UGH! Can you believe they had the nerve to build that water treatment plant just a mile away? It’s not so bad most of the time, but on clear, breezy days like this… Yikes. Let’s close that window, shall we?”. Please note that closing the window should only be done if you feel you’re finished farting. If there is even a small chance of a recurrence of flatulence, keep the window open and continue complaining. Throw in some comments about how you might have to move. Much like the neighbor scenario, this only works if your farts are silent but violent. Do not attempt this one for noisy poots. Modify this method in the car by wondering aloud if there is a water treatment plant nearby.
- Blame food. Sniff exaggeratedly (if you can stand it) and proclaim, “I think the broccoli-tuna-gouda casserole has gone bad.” The beauty of this one is that you can adjust it to fit the situation. Not at home? No problem. Food is prevalent in the grocery store, restaurants, your office break room, parties, and many other settings.
- Blame a kid. Obviously, this only works if there are kids present. It’s preferred that you use your own children, but if you truly have no conscience any old kid will do. A suspicious whiff and something like, “I think someone needs a diaper change” will work wonderfully at masking your guilt. Exercise caution, however, when attempting to blame a child old enough to talk and deny it. In this case something more subtle like, “Whew! Well, kids will be kids” and a brief fanning motion around your nose will suffice, and probably fly under the kid’s radar if his mind is occupied elsewhere.
- Blame musicians. For loud, but non-smelly flatulence, briefly mention that your teenage son is practicing his tuba again. The problem with this one is that it only works at home. And it only works if your son actually plays a musical instrument, or has been taught to always smile and nod along when house guests ask about band practice. This teaches your children to lie, which is normally not good, but if you’re reading this article you obviously have no morals about lying anyway.
- Blame leather pants. This one really can’t be used unless leather pants come back into vogue, and you buy a few pairs and remember to always wear them the day after you eat cabbage. It also won’t work if your farts are extra stinky, since this method really just explains the noise. However, you can substitute “leather pants” with “leather couch” or “leather car seats” and it will work in a few additional situations.
- Blame livestock. This one is great, because you can feign horror over this situation anywhere you happen to be. “I can’t believe they allow livestock here!” works pretty much everywhere except farms., where you’d clearly sound ridiculous if you say that. And if you’re actually at a farm, you can skip that part and use a variant of the dog excuse above. This works especially well at parades, public parks, and Civil War reenactments where many horses are present. Bonus points if you can somehow claim a goat just walked through the grocery store.