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7 Tips on How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

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Forget vampires and werewolves. The zombies are coming! Ladies, you can’t wait until a horde of zombies are beating on your door. You need to prepare now. The zombies aren’t going to kill themselves and you know men are never around when you need them. It’s time to step up and take charge of your survival. Follow these tips to be the last woman standing during the zombie apocalypse:

1. Be the HBIC

You don’t want to find yourself at the mercy of some misogynist pig during the zombie apocalypse. By preparing ahead of time you will be the head bitch in charge of your zombocalypse crew. Don’t follow in the footsteps of female characters in every zombie book, movie or show out there. You’re better than that.

Take a look at these two characters from the Walking Dead:

Andrea had her own gun taken from her by men, twice (for her safety of course) *puke*, fell in love with two sociopaths and was tortured and killed by the second psycho.

Michonne, on the other hand, made zombie pets out of her boyfriend and his friend, has badass katana skills and took care of Andrea’s sorry ass when she got the flu. (Who in the hell gets the flu during a zombie apocalypse?)

Find your inner Michonne and prepare for the shit-storm to unleash.

2. Have a SHTF Plan

Fail to plan and you plan to fail. This can be disastrous when the shit hits the fan and you’re facing a zombie apocalypse. Yeah, yeah, you’ve made fun of all those prepper shows, which is fine because that shit’s funny, but don’t let the messengers ruin the message. Just like your mother always told you, “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.” (Yikes, that takes on a whole new meaning when zombies are involved.)

*Have a contingency plan for every possible scenario and make sure your family knows what to do. You know you have to remind them ten times about weekend plans, and you don’t want to be faced with the moral dilemma of deciding if you should go look for your spouse when people are having their intestines ripped out in front of you.

* Have a designated location for you and your family to go to when the SHTF.

* Plan alternate routes to get to your house or bunker location. Roads will turn into parking lots quickly. Plus, if the government decides to throw up a roadblock to “contain the virus” you’ll be screwed.

* Have your supplies packed and ready to go. Put everything in easy to load containers or have personal bug-out bags, depending on the situation you find yourself in. Don’t tell your husband and children what’s in the boxes because they’ll take things out to play with them and never put them back.

* Have a backup plan ready before your first plan fails. Let’s be realistic — Chances are good that your original plan will fail because who the hell has ever been in a zombie apocalypse? There’s no way to know all of the variables.

3. Get Your Shit Together

You’re not going to have time to search for your favorite assault rifle and ammunition when the SHTF. Have your supplies packed and ready to go. If you plan to stay in your home, you still need your supplies organized, in a safe location and materials to reinforce your home à la Will Smith in I Am Legend. You know your husband’s idea of supplies will be ten different guns (no ammo), a case of beans and gas masks. Ok. At least the gas mask will come in handy after he eats all of those beans, but still…

Suggested Supplies:

* Weapons and ammunition: A few assault rifles, some pistols, thousands of boxes of ammunition for each gun, silencers for each gun, axes, katanas , cross-bows and arrows, chainsaw, knife prosthetic (in case a hand gets chopped off) and a machete. (This is the freaking zombie apocalypse… overkill is the idea.)

* Basic necessities: water, food, blankets, toothbrushes, deodorant

* Portable Toilet: You don’t want to be eaten by a zombie while you’re squatting and trying to not pee on your own feet.

* More toilet paper than those freaks on the coupon shows.

* Tools: flashlights, batteries, duct tape, matches, rope, garbage bags, body bags and a nail file

* First aid kit: include sanitary wipes (Zombie goo is super gross.)

* Medications: Include all of the “anti’s” – antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, anti-anxiety, anti-depressants and Ritalin. The Ritalin is for those nights you must stay up late and focus on killing zombies, or for the kiddos. You will be in a highly stressful situation with a gun in your hand. The last thing you need is a bunch of wild, crazy kids running around. (It’s really in their best interest.)

* Clothes: several pairs of socks and underwear, the rest will be covered in #6

* Condoms: Until it’s time to repopulate the human species, getting pregnant during the zombie apocalypse would totally suck.

* Essential makeup: We all fight better with our war paint on, and your favorite lip gloss will be impossible to find after the cosmetic factory workers turn into zombies.

5. Assemble Your Dream Team

Having a zombie apocalypse dream team, or zombocalypse crew, is essential to survival. Begin to assemble your team now and make sure they know who the HBIC is. If they can’t follow your orders, you need to know now so you can replace them with someone who will. It’s very simple. The general is never on the front lines. The general sees the overall picture, knows how to plan ahead and can keep the team motivated. Yet in every end-of-the-world book, movie or show the most testosterone-filled man, who is the first to go in with guns blazing and is so tense he can’t think straight is always the leader of the group. It makes no sense. That man is a soldier, not a general. Make it clear from the beginning that you will be the HBIC and why.

The ultimate team should have:

* A paranoid conspiracy theorist (They will be the most prepared.)

* A G.I. Joe military type (Maybe a few of these. They will be your soldiers and tactical advisors.)

* An engineer (This person has a knack for building gadgets and will know the best way to reinforce your shelter.)

* A mechanic (A skilled mechanic is always good to have around. This person will be able to keep all vehicles in working order and know what vehicles to choose when you ditch your old ones. Plus, he will be a great partner for the engineer.)

* Female OB/GYN (She’ll have general medical knowledge, plus come in handy when it’s time to repopulate the human species. Why female? A vagina specialist who has a vagina knows more than one who doesn’t.)

* A hippie (They’ll not only know how to live off the grid, but will also know how to identify safe, mood-altering plants. Anxiety will be at an all-time high, and you may need to just chill out in your bunker sometimes.)

* One or two couch potatoes (You don’t have to run fast, just faster than them.)  

* A couple of young jocks (They’ll be fast and reckless; good to send on supply runs.)

* A couple of young hot girls (They’ll keep the young jocks around.)

6. Have a Zombocalypse Wardrobe

When the zombie apocalypse happens, you will need a proper wardrobe.

* Clothes: Choose moisture wicking, durable fabrics in earth tones. You’ll be more camouflaged and comfortable. Remember to pack various smaller sizes. The zombie apocalypse eliminates the need for fat jeans. (There’s a silver-lining.)

* Shitkicker boots: You never know when you’ll need to kick in a door, a zombie’s face or the asses of your zombocalypse crew.

* Fingerless gloves: They look cool, keep your fingers free to pull gun triggers and protect your hands from blisters. Plus, a girl needs accessories.

* Bandanas: Wear on your head and around your neck. You won’t be able to wash your hair as often as you like. When worn around the neck, they provide an extra layer of protection against zombie bites. You can never have enough protection or accessories.

7. Have Pets

Sure a great guard dog will come in handy, but a couple of zombie pets are even better.

Ladies, the zombie apocalypse is your time to shine. There will be no glass ceiling because zombies are the great equalizer. They eat indiscriminately – men and women alike. Plus, it has already been proven that women make better leaders. So, let the men go on testosterone-induced zombie killing sprees while you stay safely tucked away in the bunker planning the next strategy for keeping everyone alive. They will feel useful and manly, while you will be the ultimate survivor.

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About Sheri Hosale

Sheri Hosale is a writer, former ballroom dancer and opinionated redhead. She likes British humor, Alabama football and picking through people’s brains like a knowledge-hungry zombie.

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