For thousands of years men have been considered the dominant sex, but women have always secretly known better. We’ve been evolving and becoming stronger right under their noses, while men have basically stayed the same. With scientific advances like artificial insemination and cloning paving the way, it won’t be long before women realize that we no longer even need men to reproduce. It’s conceivable that in the near future, the human race could be populated solely by women. Oh, sure, we might keep a few men around for moving heavy things. But that’s about all we’ll need from them, because women have clearly become the better half of the species. In case you aren’t sure, here are 21 reasons why women are more awesome than men:
1. Women Grow Other Human Beings Inside Their Bodies
This is the most obvious way in which women are superior to men, so we’ll just get it out of the way first. Women have the capability to grow an entirely new human being inside their bodies. What do men do? They make sperm, which are microscopic, one-celled tadpole-looking things. They even have to make billions of them, because sperm are so stupid that they don’t know which way to swim. Basically any time one of them finds the egg it’s just because they accidentally bumped into one another. Not to mention making stupid little sperm is about as impressive as shedding dead skin cells. Big whoop. Now growing a unique, complete human being inside your body? That’s awesome. You know who else once created a human being out of nothing? God, that’s who. Women are just like God.
2. Tolerance for Pain
Obviously, after growing that new human, it has to get out somehow. Childbirth is basically like that scene from the Alien movie where the creature bursts out of the woman’s stomach, except in most cases it bursts through an even more sensitive area. It sounds horrific (and it is), but the cool thing about women is that most of them do it again. Yeah, that’s right. If you jammed a screwdriver into your eyeball, would you be willing and even happy to repeat the process? Probably not. But women are just that badass. Throughout history, women have stopped working in the fields to let a baby rip its way out of their vagina, only to swaddle the kid and keep gathering corn afterward. By comparison, a man who gets a head cold becomes unable to walk to the bathroom and needs to be waited on hand and foot for about ten days.
3. Making Milk With All Their Might
After birthing these babies, a woman’s body is equipped to create food from scratch. Yeah, that’s right. They don’t even have to hunt or gather a damn thing to feed this kid. It just magically squirts out of their breasts, it’s already warmed up, and it’s easily portable wherever they may go. You don’t even need a container for it. Meanwhile, there are men in the world who can’t even make a sandwich.
Female brains are able to process different types of information all at once. While a woman is cooking dinner, helping a child with homework, listening to the news on TV, answering emails on her smart phone, and writing out tomorrow’s shopping list, somewhere a man is stuck on a potty for half an hour because he can’t figure out how to read and poop at the same time and keeps getting distracted.
5. Women Can Aim Their Pee
Speaking of bathroom issues, here is the damndest conundrum ever. Men are handily equipped with a device that looks specifically designed for shooting out pee in a very precise direction, while women have this weird little blob thing that squirts out the piss and no one even knows exactly where it is. And yet women can take a piss without spraying it all over the bathroom. This is seriously one of the big mysteries of the world. It really isn’t that hard to hit a target larger than a dinner plate from three inches away, but only women can do it.
6. Female Brains Heal Better Than Male Brains
This is actually a documented medical fact. If two individuals – one male and one female, of approximately the same age and level of health – sustain identical injuries to their brains, the woman will be reciting the alphabet backwards while juggling bowling pins before the man ever even opens his eyes. This is because male brains are much more compartmentalized, while the different parts of female brains all work together. If a man is injured in the part of his brain that controls talking or juggling, well then he’s out of luck. No more juggling and pointless recitation for him! Bu it if a particular area of a woman’s brain is injured or lost, the other parts get together and make up for it. Female neurons are very teamwork-oriented, while male neurons basically say to each other, “Sorry bout your injury, dude, but I’m too busy processing visual input on boobies to help you make the body walk”.
7. Conversation Skills
Women know how to talk to people. They can talk to their friends, relatives, bus drivers, pharmacists, random people in line at the deli, the mailman, animals, and even themselves. Men rarely speak unless it’s necessary. They might say, “Hey! Fire! Move!” in an emergency, but that’s about it. The reason for this is that men find it difficult to concentrate on what they’re saying whenever breasts are in view. They just stare and stare and stare at the nice boobies and forget all the words. This is a bad thing because breasts are everywhere and men’s feeble brains are constantly distracted from functioning correctly. When is the last time you saw a woman unable to speak because she was gazing dreamily at a man’s penis? Never. Because women are not so easily distracted and they understand that communication is important to civilization. Without communication, the world would still be just a bunch of naked people walking around checking out each other’s private parts. Communication of ideas advanced the human species, and we have women to thank for this.
8. Women Have Invented Their Own Language
Since we’re on the topic of communication, it’s important to point out that women are so damn good at it that they invented their own separate woman language. While men are still trying to communicate in basic English (or whatever language is official in their country), women have mastered their primary language and have gone on to invent many new words which are mysteries to men. Things like “window treatment”, “wedge heels”, and “half sleeves” are complete mysteries to men. How many men know the difference between a comforter and a duvet cover? Almost none. And a color scheme is not a racist plot against the government. A few very intelligent men have cracked the secret woman code, but they all have sex with one another and therefore do not pass along their genetic material to a new generation. So they are rare.
9. Women Get Things Done
When something needs to be done, ask a woman. The trash can is full? She’ll take it right out to the curb. It only takes a minute and then she has efficiently moved along to another task. A man usually can’t be bothered with anything that isn’t fun. And even if the man does take out the trash, it requires an endless amount of praise or he feels unappreciated and refuses to do it ever again. Women understand that some things simply must be done, and repeated reminders and heaps of praise are really not necessary in order to perform simple everyday tasks.
10. Women Look Good
Face it, when we all get naked, women look better. Female bodies are beautiful, and even heterosexual women will agree that other women are generally nicer to look at than men. This is because a woman’s body is designed like a sleek sports car; it has curves in the right places and the useful parts are tucked in the inside. A man’s body is all fucked up. If it was a car, it would be considered both ugly and non-functional. They’re all angular straight lines, have a boxy shape, and the gearshift is mounted on the front of the hood. Who does that? That’s just tacky.
11. Women Can Dress Themselves
Aside from being naturally more beautiful, women know how to dress their bodies to look even better. Outfits match and accessories coordinate, and a woman has all kinds of tricks to take care of things like puffy eyes and bad hair days. Men can barely figure out which T-shirt goes with a pair of jeans, and half the time whatever he chooses won’t even fit correctly. You know who else can’t dress themselves? Infants, old people on life support, and people with no arms.
12. Women Live in Clean Environments
With the possible exceptions of old cat ladies and those crazy women they profile on documentaries about hoarding disorder, women are much cleaner than men. Yes, there are men who keep their homes very organized, but this is not the same as clean and women know this. Ask a man when is the last time he scrubbed his baseboards or cleaned underneath the washer and dryer. A few men will clean up very obvious dirt, like when their dog has an accident right in the middle of the living room and then points to it and yells, “Hey human! I just pooped!”, and then sets off very loud fireworks and puts up a flashing neon sign with an arrow pointing directly at the feces. But women are able to sense dirt before it even really happens, and they can see dirt that is not visible to the naked eye. All of this is taken care of immediately, making female environments more healthy and therefore superior.
13. Women Are Relationship Experts
Dr Phil – a man – had to study for years to understand what the 15-year-old girl next door was born knowing. If you have a relationship problem, ask a woman – any woman. She will rapidly fire a series of questions at you so that she can assess the full relationship history within mere minutes. Without ever meeting your relationship partner, she will get inside this person’s head and figure out their motivations, desires, and deceptions. You will have an answer to your most troubling dilemmas within ten minutes, and this can be done anywhere – on the phone, in the produce aisle at the grocery store, or on a really long elevator ride. Men, on the other hand, have one blanket response to all relationship problems: purchase a bouquet of flowers and hand them over. It’s not very creative, and it has a lower rate of success than you’d think. But they’re dumb at relationships, so they keep doing it.
14. Women Can Get Anything They Want
By using basic tools like short shorts, low-cut shirts, and lipstick, a woman can get all kinds of free shit like drinks, food, admission to clubs, and cool gifts. They can also get themselves out of bad situations using these same devices, or in a real pinch they can try crying. Crying makes police officers let them go, the utility guy leave the power on even though she forgot to pay the bill three months in a row, and her boyfriend apologize for something he’s not sure he ever did. This is a super power and it can be used to manipulate the world around her.
15. Psychic Powers
All women have some form of psychic powers, but they become stronger and more accurate after childbirth. A screaming baby just sounds like a screaming baby to most people, but a mother instantly knows what is wrong and can fix it. She can also look at a child and accurately predict that he will begin vomiting later that evening, even though he’s currently swinging from the monkey bars and looks perfectly fine to everyone else. Aside from motherhood, women are psychic about men. They just know when their husband or the husband of a friend is cheating, and don’t even try lying to her about it. She already has you figured out.
16. Women Are Natural Detectives
All of the aforementioned intuition sparks a curiosity that can only be satisfied by a full investigation into your private life. She knows something is “off” and she will find out what it is. In between juggling a full-time career, maintaining a clean home, driving kids to soccer practice and dentist appointments, and attending her yoga classes, a woman will launch the Spanish Inquisition at your ass. She will find out what you’re hiding, and she’ll figure it out faster than the FBI ever would.
17. Walking in Heels
If you’ve never seen a man attempt to walk in high heels, you should. It’s like watching a bear attempt to… well, walk in high heels. Most women do this naturally, or can learn it with minimal effort. Now, on the surface this is not such a big deal, but it signals superior balance and muscle coordination. And do you know where balance and coordination originate? In the brain. So this is one more piece of evidence supporting the fact that female brains are superior to male brains.
18. Women Are Detail-oriented
Female brains are also better at organizing and categorizing information. This results in such feats of intelligence as remembering their boyfriend’s birthday and knowing his favorite color and other basic facts about him, so that a thoughtful gift can be selected. But it doesn’t just apply to relationships. Women have calendars in their heads so that they can remember all of this week’s appointments, lists of necessary tasks that need to be performed at home, and categories of work assignments organized by client and/or level of urgency. These things are nearly impossible for men, because their brains cannot store any knowledge unless it relates to sports facts or types of guns. Unless they pursue careers as sports statisticians or professional hunters, all of this information just clogs their brains with useless knowledge and renders them basically unable to function in the real world. That’s why they get a wife or girlfriend to help them run their confusing lives.
19. Multiple Orgasms
This really says it all. “Multiple” means “more than one”, which is exactly the number of orgasms 99 percent of men can have during sex. Sure, there’s that random tantric fella out there who has mastered the Jedi mind trick of multiple orgasms, but it took years of work and practice. Many women are simply endowed with the natural ability to have three, four, five or more orgasms during a single sex session. You haven’t experienced truly awesome sex unless you’ve experienced multiple orgasms, so that means most men have never had truly awesome sex even if they think they have. No wonder they want it all the time and can’t think about anything else! They’ve never been properly satisfied.
20) Women Live Longer
On average, women live over a year longer than men. This suggests that women are stronger and healthier, and it probably also has something to do with superior decision making. A man is more likely to do stupid shit like jump off a cliff to impress his friends, and this drags down the average life expectancy for men everywhere. Not to mention the fact that women generally make better decisions about their diets, drink less alcohol, and care about stuff like vitamins and regular health check-ups. A man won’t do most of these things unless he’s lucky enough to have a woman who tells him to do it.
21. Women Are Better at Parenting
There are definitely some good dads out there in the world, but overall our society is moving toward women raising the children alone while men kind of just goof off. There are a lot of reasons this is happening, but it really boils down to instinct, emotion, and ability. Women are just naturally better at parenting in most cases, because they are born nurturers who understand children and how to raise them. They also possess the capacity for much deeper emotional attachments, meaning very few of them are capable of abandoning their young. And women have the patience and emotional strength to take on the world’s most difficult job, while most men can’t take care of their children for two hours without calling their own mothers or sisters for help. This is important because it means future generations of human beings are being raised under the sole influence of a woman. You might not see it now, but the more powerful women are influencing the future of the world one child at a time, while men are busy improving their golf games.