Ah, pregnancy… what a beautiful thing. Bullshit. This blatant lie was clearly perpetrated by some desperate woman who wanted grandchildren. Let’s dispense with the baby-making propaganda. Babies are beautiful. Pregnancy is not. It turns women’s bodies into one big, weird science experiment or rather, a series of weird science experiments. No one is saying it isn’t worth it, but the universe requires balance, yin and yang; push and pull; light and dark; good and evil and all that. You cannot expect to receive something grand as the miracle of creating life without going through hell during the process.
WARNING: This list is not for the faint of heart. Do not read if you have a weak disposition.
Seriously… last warning. Turn back now if you cannot handle it, but know that we will all laugh at you behind your back and possibly to your face.
1. Your new big boobs will be too sore to be fun.
The first thing to get big is your boobs. This is an exciting time for all involved. As with most good things in life, the fun will come to an end. Your nipples will become the size of plates and so sore you will fear the shower. The slight grazing of a nip by water will feel like a razor blade slicing into your lady lumps. Before your baby-daddy even thinks of reaching for a fun squeeze, kindly explain to him that even a gentle touch hurts as bad as getting hit in the balls. That’s a pain no man wishes on another human being, especially the mother of his child. If he forgets, he owes you a free shot at his family jewels. Fair is fair.
2. You will be groped by complete strangers.
Social boundaries do not apply to pregnant women. It’s not right but it’s true. People will freely touch your belly and say things they would never say to someone who isn’t pregnant. You will get sage advice, dire warnings, and the worst, horror stories of labor and delivery. People would certainly not tell plane crash stories to someone boarding a flight, but telling a pregnant woman disturbing labor and delivery stories, using graphic details doesn’t hold the same taboo.
3. You will have gross discharge the entire pregnancy.
If you thought you would be safe from the feminine hygiene aisle during your pregnancy, think again.
4. You will have a different odor.
Hormones will make you smell differently. If you have a favorite perfume, it may suddenly smell rancid mixed with that new mom smell.
5. Your feet will permanently be bigger.
This is regrettably not a myth. Your body produces hormones that cause your joints and ligaments to be more flexible. When combined with the extra weight you gain, your feet stretch to a bigger size. The average woman goes up half a shoe size with every child.
6. You will have a vampire-like sense of smell.
This can come in handy when you are searching for a specific food you are craving. When you smell something that triggers your “morning” sickness, it sucks.
7. Your eyes will itch.
Not only will your eyes itch but they will actually swell. This can be bothersome for contact wearers.
8. You will be clumsy.
There are several reasons this happens. Your balance and equilibrium is off; you’re not resting well; you’re thinking of several things at the same time; and your body is just not its normal self.
9. You will have a permanent brain fart during pregnancy.
People call it pregnancy brain. The day the little pee stick shows a plus sign, go tie a big, bright ribbon on your car antennae so you can find it in a parking lot.
10. You will fart (a lot).
Your hormones play some part in this. It could also be caused by the enormous amounts of food you eat while pregnant.
11. You will poop never.
You probably thought MOM was an acronym for Milk of Magnesia, but it’s really to help constipated, pregnant-brained women to know what to reach for when they haven’t pooped in two weeks.
12. You will have the sex drive of a teenage boy.
It doesn’t matter how unattractive you feel, you will be hornier than a frat boy on spring break.
13. You will turn into a human milk fountain.
This is not an exaggeration. Everyone knows pregnant and nursing women need to wear pads in their bras to catch any leakage. What most people don’t know is once your milk makes its grand entrance it doesn’t just drip. Step into a warm shower and hello milk fountain! Your boobs can have a stronger spray than your showerhead. It doesn’t only happen in the shower. No ladies, it also occurs during sex. So, unless this is fetish you and your man enjoy (no judging), wear a bra during sex. Of course, you could keep this little secret, and then use it to let him know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of bodily fluids flying in your face during sex. Just saying…
14. You will have dreams that would blow the most twisted of minds.
Not even Quentin Tarantino, Stephen King, or Tim Burton could come up with crazier images than that of a sleeping pregnant woman.
15. You will get acne.
Just as hormones cause period zits, they also wreak havoc on your skin during pregnancy.
16. You will get hemorrhoids.
Truly sorry, but you will. Any woman who tells you they didn’t is lying (which is her right as a woman who went through the pain and suffering of childbirth).
17. Your nose will get bigger.
This isn’t a metaphor for some pregnancy-induced pathological lying spree. There is a lot of swelling happening all over your body. We just don’t think of all the body parts that will be affected.
18. Your crotch will hurt like you have been doing the splits for a month.
This comes from the hormones that loosen your joints and ligaments, not from all the pregnant sex you will be having.
19. You will have heartburn.
As the baby grows, leaving little room for your vital organs, heartburn will rear its ugly head. Eat smaller meals and slightly elevate your head when lying down.
20. Your body will never be the same.
Even the A-list celebrities who seem to shrink back to their pre-baby size immediately after giving birth don’t have the exact body they had before pregnancy. Skin doesn’t work like that, and that’s ok. It’s normal for your boobs to go from a 32B to a 40 Long. They aren’t just for fun anymore. They’re working boobs.
As shocking as all this is, don’t let it scare you away from experiencing motherhood. Use it to prepare yourself for what you will face. Wear your stretch marks with pride and showcase them like the war scars they are. Men with scars are sexy. It gives them character. Makes them look tough. The same holds true for women. Remember, a man with a scar probably got it riding his bicycle as a little boy, and then went crying to his mommy when it happened. Women with scars are the moms that wiped away those tears.