For those who believe in the Adam-and-Eve scenario, it may seem pretty clear that God should have just stopped with Adam. Sure, Eve had boobs, which Adam was probably pretty thrilled with at first. But then she did all that stuff with eating the bad fruit and getting them kicked out of Eden, not to mention her incessant yammering and nonstop needing Adam to open all the jars and get things down off of high tree limbs. After a few weeks of playing with her boobs, Adam was probably thinking, “Really, God? You took my rib to make THIS?”.
Even if you aren’t a Creationist, the moral of the story is the same. Men are better, in so many ways. With the exception of having boobs, and the fact that women are necessary in order to create more men, they are obviously the inferior half of the species. And here’s why:
1. Men Can Pee Standing Up
Let’s start off by getting the obvious out of the way, shall we? Due to basic human physiology, which resulted in hose-like penises versus those worthless little pee-holes women sport, men can pee standing up. Okay, technically women can pee standing up, too. But men can actually aim their pee away from their personhood, resulting in dry pants and a feeling of empowerment for all. Plus, it’s fun to pee off of high places like bridges, cliffs, and rooftops.
2. Men Can Separate Sex and Love
In today’s post-sexual-revolution world, this equates to super powers. Men can go out and get their jollies without being reduced to a quivering ball of pathetic self-loathing just because a chick from the bar didn’t call him the next day. How many times have you seen a man curled up in the fetal position, rocking and crying about some hot blonde who gave him sex and then disappeared? This doesn’t happen, because he’s just happy he got some sex. Not only is he perfectly fine with this arrangement; he’s proud of it. A woman in this situation calls all of her friends crying about her humiliation. A man calls all of his friends to tell them how awesome it was.
3. Superior Upper-body Strength
This is another physiological fact, but it’s important. Not only do men tend to be physically stronger than women, but at times the world seems designed around men’s superior strength as well. Don’t believe it? Watch a woman try to start a lawnmower sometime.
4. Knowledge of Power Tools
This one may seem a little unfair, because power tools do come with instructions that the majority of women are certainly capable of reading and deciphering. However, man’s innate knowledge of power tools is downright uncanny. It’s like they’re born knowing which type of saw to use for any given carpentry project. Women, on the other hand, glance about for any available sharp thingy.
5. Men Are Solution-oriented
When a man sees something broken, his mind immediately comes up with 12 different ways to fix it. A woman spends approximately four days, seven hours, and thirty-three minutes crying and talking about it to her mom, her best friend, and everyone at the coffee shop. If a man dares to suggest a solution, he is verbally berated into submission for ignoring her feelings. Meanwhile, though, men have all the good stuff – cars that don’t make funny noises, computers without viruses, and appliances that operate as intended. Women have broken stuff and lots of sympathetic, but functionally useless gal pals.
6. Less Complicated Friendships
Male friendships make sense. A group of guys who enjoy poker get together every Friday night and play poker. Two guys who enjoy target practice go to the shooting range together. They don’t call each other and say, “Did you see what he was wearing?” behind their other friends’ backs. They’re too busy fixing stuff or having guilt-free sex to worry about what some other dude wore, said, or potentially thought about them based on one random facial expression. This is because women spend 97 percent of their days wondering what other people think of them. If they can’t figure it out, they make up something that helps them to feel indignant, angry, or superior. Men just don’t give a shit.
7. Fashion is Less Complicated
Generally speaking, men have pants for hot weather and pants for cold weather. There are also shirts for hot weather and shirts for cold weather. Then there are coats for really cold weather. Swimsuits are for swimming. And that about sums it up.
8. Attraction to the Opposite Sex is Based on Visual Appeal
Men can glance at a woman and decide if he wants to date her. Women can spend two years getting to know a man and still feel unsure whether he’s worthy of dating, because she hasn’t decided if he’s marriage material yet. The male way of doing things is clearly superior, because psychic foreknowledge of the relationship’s future is not necessary in order to go get a bite to eat and see a movie. This means men spend more time enjoying dating, and less time worrying, contemplating, thinking, deliberating, and other activities which are no fun at all.
9. Not Afraid of Bugs
While there are certainly exceptions to this rule, men in general are not terrified of silly things like crickets and roaches to the extent women are. An encounter with one of these creatures results in a quick stomping and then an even-quicker forgetting of the incident. Women, on the other hand, might spend anywhere from seven minutes to several hours screaming, running, hiding, and calling for help. Then there is the resulting irrational fear of that cabinet/corner/room which may last for weeks or years afterward. Since there are around ten million species of insects in the world, these encounters are quite common. What may be a major life disturbance for a woman doesn’t even make a blip on a man’s “important things that happened today” radar.
10. Sports Trivia
Evolutionary advances allow male brains to de-tangle a frantic jumble of identically-dressed people on a TV screen into individual players who each have strengths, weaknesses, and a defined purpose in the game they are playing. Then the male brain comes up with numbers, fractions, decimals, and other math stuff to describe their successes and failures. They can also understand what is going on when the TV people (other men!) draw little circles and arrows on the screen. Then they use all this knowledge to predict what might happen in future games between other teams, and then that information is used to basically control the world of sports. This computer-like ability to quantify information and extrapolate meaning from seemingly random series of numbers is just downright uncanny.
11. Ability to Watch Multiple Television Shows at Once
To add to the puzzling nature of their computer brains, while men are adding and subtracting and multiplying all those sports statistics, they are watching other TV shows at the same damn time. This is when the extraordinary mind becomes downright God-like. In fact, this is probably what the Bible was talking about when it says man was made in God’s image. God can keep track of billions of people all at once, much like a man can compute his team’s Super Bowl odds while simultaneously watching golf, billiards, something with women in bikinis, and CSI. He even figured out who the killer is, without actually worrying about any of the emotional subtext of the plot. That’s just insane. The trick is to change the channel at precisely the right time, so that the mind grabs the information it needs for computation while the eyes move on to something new. But only men can do this.
12. Programming Electronic Things
There’s a reason that most of the inventors of tech gadgets and computer stuff are all men. This stuff comes naturally to them, like how window treatments just make sense to women. Even more eerie is how boys of each generation are apparently born with up-to-date techie knowledge already embedded in their brains. In the 80s young boys were successfully programming their parents’ microwaves and VCRs. Now they’re helping Mom with her cell phone or Ipad. And they were born this way. These skills apparently require no training, but magically appear in each new generation of male humans.
13. They Don’t Bleed Once a Month for No Damn Reason
Men only bleed when they are injured, not because their bodies just feel like being creepy and gross. This also means that men don’t have to suffer from PMS, cramps, and bloating. And, there is considerable monetary savings because they never have to buy those “feminine napkin” things, whatever the hell those are. That means more beer money right in their pockets.
14. Reproduction is Easy
For men, the entire process of creating offspring takes about thirty minutes – or if you’re really being honest with yourself, about two minutes and thirty-seven seconds. Plus, their contribution is the fun part. This is obviously preferable to nine months of barfing, swelling, and becoming unable to see your own feet, followed by an entire day spent forcing a bowling ball through an opening that is definitely NOT bowling-ball-sized.
15. Less Time Getting Ready to Go Out
Want to go out? Cool. Throw on a fresh T-shirt and be on your way. This might take about 45 seconds, or maybe an entire minute if you’re really choosy about your T-shirts. Men never spend an hour involved in a deep internal debate, trying to figure out what they can wear to the dollar store that won’t ruin the rest of their lives.
16. No Fat Days or Bad Hair Days
A man has two types of hair: Dirty and clean. Provided he showers regularly, there is no problem with sneak-attack hair issues that randomly pop up to cause trouble and drama. His weight is equally stable, assuming his eating and exercise (or lack of exercise) habits remain roughly the same. Never has a man looked in the mirror one morning, shrieked in sheer terror about how suddenly and unexpectedly fat he has become, and then spent the rest of the day in sweatpants crying over a body issue that is invisible to everyone else in his life.
17. Weight Loss is Easy
If a man does become aware that his jeans are gradually getting a tighter, due to over-eating or under-exercising, weight loss is quite simple. That night while watching TV, he eats fewer chips. The next day, he walks to the mailbox. And presto! He is slim once again. In the meantime, his wife or girlfriend spends a few thousand dollars and several months in a desperate, failed attempt to lose ten pounds.
18. They Know When to Shut the Hell Up
Ask a woman a simple question, and she will verbally spew something equivalent to a master’s thesis in philosophy. Ask a man the same question, and he’ll usually respond using five words or less. This streamlines the process of communication, doesn’t confuse the listener, and basically gets shit done. If it weren’t for men, the human species would just be a bunch of creatures with tits who sit around in caves talking to each other all day.